can accidents ever be accidental
when beauty in the rain tries to shine through
and it takes all i have to look down
and hide the sidewalks i’ve been traveling on
because for fifteen years i was told that
nothing in my streaming consciousness matters
and ever since someone first said “i like you”
i’ve been trying to flip the world around
and to figure out why i’m so afraid of dying -
if it’s because of the possible pain
or finding out if a hell is real
and that i’ll be going into it
or if dying would show i was never afraid
of living or dying
and that i’ve been doing this all wrong
i had like zero friends up until high school. and the friends i had didn’t feel like friends. it felt like i was an outsider to their group. and i was made fun of a LOT by basically everyone, including my friends. but i stuck with them because i had no one better. i was made fun of mostly for my dumb face.
now i’m older and i have friends who actually care about me, and i shouldn’t get as excited when someone says “my friend” referring to me, because friendship was something very bad for me when i was younger.
you don’t understand - i NEVER got complimented on ANYTHING, and that’s why i still get teary eyed when someone says “you look nice today” or “i like your outfit” or “you have a nice smile” or “your eyebrow game is strong” or literally ANY FORM OF COMPLIMENT because i did not receive them when i was younger, and they still feel relatively new to me.
and i don’t know why i’m writing this, or why i’m getting teary eyed again, but i guess it might just be because lately i’ve been realizing that i actually have a decent group of friends, and people in my life who give me compliments. and that’s so crazy to me, when it shouldn’t be. i shouldn’t feel so overwhelmed with simple compliments, but i am.
i’m just so astonished that people actually like me sometimes, because as a kid, it was pretty much engraved into my brain that nobody should or could possibly like anything about me or anything that i did. but now i’m older, and people are nicer, and i don’t know how to handle it sometimes.